


Responsibility

by Enby_Baby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Torture, Other, Scene Rewrite, Season 13 Episode 21, Season/Series 13, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, usual implications between sam and lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enby_Baby/pseuds/Enby_Baby
Summary: Rewrite for 13x21 the kitchen scene~"He has never stopped being our responsibility-"Sam snaps.((I don't think they ever gave Sam enough time to work through his trauma/anger, this is how I think the conversation could have carried out instead))
Comments: 10
Kudos: 88
Collections: Supernatural





	Responsibility

Sam scrubs a hand over his face, heart beating frantically against his ribcage. Idly he wonders if the angel in front of him can hear it.

“Obviously, I wanna get Mom and Jack back. It’s all I want, all I can think about.” he attempts a reasonable tone, “But we’ve been down this road before… Teaming up with Lucifer--”

“We’re not teaming up with him,” Dean interjects quickly.

“We just need his grace.”

Sam eyes Cas warily, “Oh, ‘just’.”

“We’ve trapped his ass before,” his older brother tries carefully.

Sam scoffs, the roll of his eyes is unintentional though he doesn’t do much to try and stop it. They had trapped him successfully once, and that time Sam himself had to be dragged down as well. It was supposed to be over after that, but then he got out again and again, every time something went wrong, and every time he would find a way back, bringing upon even worse problems for them to solve.

“Yes, and every time it ends the same way, with the devil on the loose again!”

Dean huffs out a frustrated breath, Castiel however steps forward offering a look of understanding. His blue eyes soften and even as he speaks next it’s with a gentle sympathy.

“Look, Sam, I was used by Lucifer too. It was the worst possible violation. So I-I’m not taking your reluctance lightly, but he is already out there,” he begins cautiously though with an urgency that lowers his voice, “and we’ve been ignoring it and avoiding dealing with him because we’re afraid. We let Lucifer out of the cage, and he has never stopped being our responsibility.”

Hazel eyes rest on the seraph blankly, a calm before the storm Dean is very familiar with. He isn’t sure exactly what had set his little brother off, but he is barely taken aback when fury floods his irises. It burns like a raging fire, quick to ignite and perhaps even quicker to burn out. He stands, shoulders arching backward from their usual curled in position so he uses his full height to tower over the two. Dean immediately steps up to Castiel’s side who had gone white as a sheet.

Dean can see his hand twitch, itching to reach for the angel blade stored just up his sleeve to remove the threat. Still he knows this is Sam, so he refrains. Sam had always been the more unassuming of the two brothers, with his puppy-dog eyes, dimpled smile, and gentle giant demeanor, the boy made it easy to let your guard down around him. They all forget sometimes that he is equally as dangerous as the rest of them perhaps even more so, that he too had been through hell and back and is perhaps not as stable as he would have them all believe. Sam is still a hunter, arguably the best; quick on his feet, strong, smart, intuitive, and downright savage if pushed beyond his limits.

His fists tremble at his sides, knuckles white with the effort and veins throbbing visibly down his forearms. At this very moment, Dean can’t help but think, Sam looks an awful lot like their father. Castiel however, can only see Lucifer behind that cold fury.

“Afraid? You think this is about me being afraid?” Sam’s voice comes out a snarl, each syllable enunciated with a sharp hiss, “You’re damn right I’m afraid! Hell I'm downright petrified, and I have every reason to be-- You were possessed Castiel, just like you did to that poor son of a bitch Jimmy, and you think that was violating?!”

Castiel visibly winces at the mention of his vessel’s previous occupant, Jimmy Novak had not deserved what he went through, and the angel had yet to forgive himself for that even with the man now in heaven where he belongs. Dean brushes against his arm in some show of comfort, returning his brother’s glare with an intensity that doesn’t quite match up.

“Sam enough,” Dean scolds harshly.

“Oh yeah, protect your precious angel!” Sam laughs humorlessly, hands gesturing wildly around him he continues, “Neither of you have any idea what it feels like to be violated! You think possession is bad? Try having your soul ripped apart day after day, your very being mutilated and mangled only to be built up in someone else's image!” His soul thrums with the mention, and it only feeds his anger, “Try not knowing who you are, or what to do without hell! You have no idea what I've gone through, what I’ve done!”

The two in front of him share a look, a silent conversation passes between the two of them in the span of a second, it’s Castiel that speaks up, “Sam--”

“And yet, day in and day out, I shove it down,” he interrupts, ignoring the angel entirely, “I pretend everything is a-okay because somebody else always has a bigger problem. Somebody else always needs me, so I push all of it out of sight, because you two are always more important. Because it’s my responsibility to take care of my family, my responsibility to not break down, without receiving anything in return! It’s always on me! But not this time… Not Lucifer, he’s not my responsibility anymore.”

“No one is saying this is on you, Sam,” Cas tries again, voice quivering with the effort of staying level against the boy's rage, “this is on all of us. Lucifer walks free because of all of us.”

The words hit Sam like a punch to the gut, his stomach twists and momentarily he swears to taste copper at the back of his throat. He lets out a hysterical sort of chuckle, though the humor isn’t there. The corners of his eyes sting with furious tears, but he bites his tongue against them. He doesn't want to cry, he wants to be pissed.

“No, Lucifer is free because of you, Castiel.” His name is spat like a curse, wild pupils contract focusing entirely on the seraph. His voice levels, though the shakiness underneath resonates with such a profound wrath Cas almost expects him to physically lash out, his soul practically sings with the need for violence, “You said yes to him, you let him possess you, so all of this? This is on you.”

“And why were we down there in the first place?” Dean pipes up again in his friend's defense, forcing that hateful attention back on himself, “You were the one who suggested the damn field trip down to the cage, so maybe it’s more your fault than you think.”

Sam lets out a breath, it could almost be considered a laugh but it’s too cold, too dead, “I wasn’t going to let him out!” He argues quickly, face contorting in annoyance, “I said no to him over and over and over again. I would have kept saying no for an eternity if that’s what I had to do, because I know the devil, and I knew he couldn’t have been trusted, I knew he was toying with me! I would have let him kill me, I would have let him kill you both, if that meant he couldn’t get out again! Castiel was the one who gave up, you were in there for what… five minutes? And yet he broke! He gave in, not me.”

Cas had gone quiet, eyes downcast. Sam can almost feel his grace vibrating with grief, if anything he relishes in the feeling. If his wings were visible, Sam wonders if they’d be drooping at his sides, feathers puffed up shamefully, it’s a sight he really wishes he could see in this moment. The seraph deserves to feel bad for this, he deserves to feel like shit in the way Sam does every single day of his life, to feel like he isn’t good enough, like he isn’t worthy of anything but hatred. It’s an empty feeling, that burrows deep into your chest and drags every muscle down with it, sending thoughts of all your mistakes shooting through every nerve ending.

It’s the feeling of rock bottom. It’s the feeling of failure so profound that you start to wonder if perhaps the world would be better off without you, if perhaps things could be different if you’d only ceased to exist. Sam knows what Castiel is feeling all too well.

“Sam you have no right,” Dean rushes forward, coming face to face with his little brother and meeting his fiery gaze easily, Sam doesn’t move though his eyes do harden, warning Dean to be very careful with whatever words he chooses next, “Not after all you’ve done. We wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t let the devil out in the first place!”

And there it is.

Sam sees red, he doesn’t have time to process the newfound flare of emotion in his chest before his fist is connecting with something solid. Dean falls back with a grunt, hitting the floor heavily, his hand moves up to clutch at his nose, misshapen and bleeding steadily down his chin. His eyes are wide, surprised, he hardly notes the pain past the pure confusion. Had Sam punched him?

Sam is taken by just as much surprise, though it barely scratches the surface of his anger. He looks down at his aching fist as Castiel runs to the older Winchester’s side, his fingers sting, knuckles are stained with a large splotch of red, and Sam can’t help but feel a swell of gratification at the blow. He didn’t mean to strike his brother, not really, but in the moment it felt right, in this moment it was entirely deserved.

“I let him out the first time,” Sam speaks softly, face falling to a mask of stone, the two look up at him, Dean still clutching at his face and Castiel clinging to his arm, “but I put him back… I paid my penance in blood and tears. Now, because of you-- all that was for nothing.” Sam pauses, flexing the aching fingers of his right hand and not quite meeting either set of eyes, “This is on you, and I’m not taking the blame this time, Lucifer is no longer my responsibility. Figure it out yourselves.”

He meets the seraphs eyes then, and his hazel eyes are empty, vacant, shining almost gray in the light, it reminds Castiel far too closely of when the boy was soulless. Before he can say anything else Sam turns, storming out of the kitchen without another word and leaving his brother bleeding on the ground to be taken care of by the angel. Sam walks down the hall, passed the muffled voices of Rowena and Gabriel in the war room, and straight into his own bedroom. He doesn’t bother turning on the light, merely seating himself on the edge of his bed and willing his tense muscles to relax.

He flexes his fingers a few more times, dried red sticky against them, it feels good he can’t help but think. He feels, for once, like he is in control of his own life. Sure, he knows that the group of them will go hunt down the devil anyway, go about their stupid plan to trap him and Sam would either have to bite the bullet and give in, or be far away from here before things go wrong. He knows eventually he will have to go out there, help figure out the best way to bring mom and Jack home, but for now he finds himself content to sit and relish in the feeling of triumph he hasn’t experienced in years.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate how little they focus on Sam and his trauma in the show, he always just gets dragged into everyone else's drama. I thought this scene could have been written better, personally I don't think Sam would be so easily swayed into the whole capturing Lucifer plan. Not to mention something about the way Castiel called Lucifer "our responsibility" pissed me off. Sam had to take pretty much all the blame when Lucifer was freed the first time, and when Castiel let him loose this time the blame was cast on all of them instead of the person who said 'yes' in the first place. This was honestly just kind of a rant piece for me, but I do like how it turned out!


End file.
